Yo dont text me then not text me
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
