just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
