I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
