Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
