Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
