Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
