i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize