i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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