They should really pass out barf bags in church
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
