Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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