The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize