Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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