I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
