Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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