the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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