Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
