if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
