fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I faked an abortion last night.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
