Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
