Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
