he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My dick has a subreddit
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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