that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
