you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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