Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
