I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
