You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
you had me at cake vodka
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
