My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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