I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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