I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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