I just cut my nipple shaving
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Randomize
