you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
