i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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