Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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