Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
