Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
