Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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