I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
