Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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