A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My first STD was from a foam party
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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