my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
