Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He did a backflip because drugs
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
