Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
