A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
