i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
