dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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