Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
