I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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