I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I am midnight drunk by noon
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
