i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
