is your mom at the bar?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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