that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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