Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Randomize
