I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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