That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
