Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Randomize
