Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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