whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize