I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
