Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
