How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
